JOKES




LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
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  1. Cover your stump before you hump.
  2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
  3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
  4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
  5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
  6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
  7. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
  8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
  9. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
  10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
  11. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
  12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
  13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
  14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
  15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
  16. Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.
  17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
  18. The right selection, is to protect your erection.
  19. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
  20. A crank with armor, will never harm her.
  21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
  22. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
  23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
  24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
  25. No glove, No love.

The frequency of sex

From 20 to 30 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night.
From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, he missing a morning and sometimes a night.
From 40 to 50, its just now and then.
From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when.
From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind!

4 KINDS OF SEX
 
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

 BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

 HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**K YOU"

 COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got. 








The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide


The first quote is "What They say"

The second quote is "What They mean"


 "Did you come?"

"Because I didn't."


 "I have something to tell you."

"Get tested."


 "I'm a Romantic."

"I'm poor."


 "I'll give you a call."

"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."


 "I never meant to hurt you."

"I thought you weren't a virgin."


 "Trust me."

"Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin."


 "I love you."

"God, what have I gotten myself into?"


 "I think we should just be friends."

"You're ugly."


 "Havn't I seen you before?"

"Nice ass."


 "I want to make love."

"I want to make love."


 "Was it good for you?"

"I'm insecure about my manhood."


 "We need to talk."

"I'm pregnant."


 "I had a wonderful time last night."

"Who the hell are you?"


 "I've been thinking a lot."

"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


 "I've learned a lot from you."

"Next!"


 "I want a commitment."

"I'm sick of masturbation."


 "I think we should see other people."

"I have been seeing other people."


 "Let's get married."

"Does that mean we can do it now?"


 "We don't have to do anything until you are ready."

"Put out or get out."


 "I feel its time to express our love for each other."

"Give me head."


 "I still think about you."

"I miss the sex."


 "Is there something wrong?"

"Is it supposed to be this soft?"


 "You're so mature."

"I hope you're eighteen."


 "Its never been like this before."

"Its my first time." 

 "Yes...Yes...(scream!)."

"Aren't you done yet?"





Top Ten Sexually Slanted Lines    



10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you
smell!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull
out in time?"

8."Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7."You've got something jammed in here real good."

6."Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5."You came in that thing?  You're braver than I thought."

4."Sorry about the mess..."

3."Look at the size of that thing!"

2."Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1."She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,
kid."





From The Empire Strikes Back
 


    

10."I thought that hairy beast would
be the end of me."

9."Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8."There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7."But now we must eat.Cum, good food, cumm..."

6."That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for
a while."

5."Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4."I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all
riled up like that, huh kid?"

3."Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2."And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1."Control, control!You must learn control!"




And now, our new list of sexually slanted
lines from Return of the Jedi:




10."What could possibly have come over
Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness
with my work." (C3PO)

9."Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han)

8."You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)

7."I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)

6."There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)

5."If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba
the Hutt,you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)

4."Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy,
hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"(Han) with "A little higher, just a little
higher." 
3."Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)

2."Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)

1."Back door, huh? Good idea!"